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I have been thinking about my mom so much lately. It’s been more than 8 years and I miss her more than ever.  Some days it feels like yesterday but then I think about everything I couldn’t share with her over the years and it hits me how long it has been.  She was the most amazing person I know.  That is why I thought I would share what she taught me:

Mom as a baby

How to be a …

Isn’t it interesting how this time of year leaves almost everyone tired and looking forward to the holidays.  Everywhere I see people are moaning and grumpy.  It seems every day is a bad day.

I am tired and my days are full but I am not wishing the time away.  Or maybe I am.  I am looking forward to things slowing down a little.  I do actually enjoy being busy, having something to do.  For the last week to ten days I have been feeling super tired and then 3 days ago my throat started burning.  Yesterday my nose.  I guess all signs point to me getting a bit sick.  The timing couldn’t be worse.  Well,  I am going to kick its butt so that it doesn’t get worse than it has to.

In exactly one week (31 october) I am writing my first exam.  Some times I feel so calm about it and other times I am completely freaking out.  I think it is the unknown that scares me.  I have not written an exam of any kind in over 10 years.  I have no idea where, how, what will happen.  I did not even know how the exam paper layout will be. The census lady that came happens to be doing the same degree and she was kind enough to bring me some old exam papers.  I can’t explain how much that has helped me to calm down.  Just knowing what it will *look* like has helped.  I know it doesn’t make sense but I like knowing and planning.  I am not sure when that happened but it is what it is.  :D

Speaking of census.  The lady popped in one morning and it took her all of 15 minutes to get through it all.  I actually feel quite bad for them.  They are having such a hard time getting people to do their bit.  People are refusing to do it.  People pretend they are not home.  Shame.

The Teen Mom Support Group KZN is going very well.  Of course I always wish that things were better but nonetheless things are going really well.  I would love a bit more exposure. It seems that is the hardest of all.  Getting the word out is harder than I thought it would be.  So if anyone out there has any connection or feel like doing some PR for us you are more than welcome  

My mind has been going again with things that shouldn’t be there.  In the last year I have been hopeful but also been able keep my mind busy and occupied.  That has helped but lately it is all coming back.  I still want to be hopeful.  A year has gone by and I am still in the same place.  It feels like nothing has changed.  Some days it feels like all that has changed is my desire and longing.   I have so much to be thankful for but the heart wants what the heart wants.  That alone makes me angry / sad.  I don’t know if it will ever be me and I don’t know if that will ever be ok for me if it doesn’t happen.

So,  for the next week there will be no The Sims 3, no shows (except in bed), no knitting.  Studying only.  Then after the Social Welfare Law exam on the 31st it’s all systems go for Psychology on the 10th.  In between those two the in-laws are coming into town for almost 2 weeks.  I am sure we will see them once or twice.  The night of the 10th we are taking them to Barnyard Theatre to watch Big Top Rock.  Then they are spending the weekend with us even though I have to do some studying.  It’s downhill from there to the Anthropology exam on the 17th.  Then it is all over till next year  I might be scarce but I will be around.

Right, I am trying to do some catch up so please stick with me.  It’s definitely been too long.

Mid July we flew Willie’s parents up for a weekend visit.  It was only the second time they were flying and the first time they were doing the whole thing on their own.  I was so nervous that something was going to go wrong and it would upset them or put them off the whole thing completely.  I went to pick them up just before 1pm on a Friday and the minute they came  through the gates with smiles on their faces I knew everything was fine.

My nerves were a little frazzled a few days before they arrived.  2 weeks before our domestic worker phoned me on a Sunday night and told me she was sick and going to the dr but she would be back Tuesday unless she tells me otherwise.  I didn’t bother doing too much as she was expected back.  Well she was off for 2 weeks.  Because I left so much for her expecting her back I was stuck doing catch up cleaning as well.  urgh.  That will teach me.  Needless to say I had about a week to spring clean the house from top to bottom, catch up on washing and ironing and prepare the spare room.  I think I might’ve actually done a bit of a better job

On the Sunday while Willie’s parents were here we had a bit of an issue with our dogs. While W and his dad were out I was sitting in the lounge.  I heard Frank yelping outside so I went to see what his problem was.  I walked out the door and ALL the dogs were around Nosh and all i saw was blood.  I grabbed her and took her inside.  Phoned W and he rushed home so that we can take her to the vet.  I couldn’t see more than one or two ‘holes’ but I could see that she was very sore.  We took her to the emergency vet and she got almost completely shaved so that they could treat her wounds.  There were loads of them.  It took her a while to start acting like her normal self.  3 weeks later her hair had still not grown back.

Last week Wednesday W was home off sick and I was at a meeting.  I was just around the corner from home when he phoned me. The dogs were all around Nosh again and she was bleeding.  We couldn’t take a chance so I rushed home to take her to the vet.  She was in surgery so she gave her an injection for pain and I had to leave her there.  When I came home W and I had to start thinking about what to do for Nosh.  We were very concerned about it being just too much for her at her age.  We went back a bit later to speak to the vet.  Nosh couldn’t see very well anymore and she was battling to hear. She spent most of her time sleeping.  We were worried that her quality of life would be so much worse after this.

After speaking to our vet it was pretty obvious what we had to decide.  She told us that it was quite natural for dogs to attack an older dog, especially as old as Nosh.  She said they would do till they kill her.  It wasn’t that they were bad dogs it was just the way it is in nature.  She showed us that Nosh had huge bites on both side of her neck.  She had to have stitches on both sides and on her lower back.  It was so close to her jugular.  So the choice wasn’t really a choice.  She was just coming out of surgery so she wasn’t really awake but I got to spend a little bit of time with her.  She was shaking from the anesthetic but the minute I put her head in my hand she calmed down.  I spent a few minutes with her but then I had to leave.  It was just too much.

Nosh playing with Muffin (about a year ago)

I know for most people it is just a dog.  For me she was so much more than just a dog!  We moved to the south coast and lived with my aunt for a while while our house was being sorted.  When we got there their dog had puppies 4 days before.  I got to choose one and Nosh got her name a few days later.  I spent SO much time with her and by the time she was ready to ‘leave the nest’ we were ready to move into our house as well.  So I’ve had her since 4 days old.  She had such a character.  It was the first time we had a small dog that was allowed to be inside.  Up till then our dogs were outside dogs.  I remember coming home from school on the weekend and she was lying in the lounge.  My mom had originally said that she would be an outside dog so I was surprised to find her inside.  My mom said she was still a puppy so she could be inside for a while but I saw immediately that Nosh had crawled into my moms heart and she was going to be an inside dog.  She was my friend in some crazy times.  I remember my mom picking me up from school on my 18th birthday with flowers and my Nosh.  They drove all the way to fetch me in the middle of the week.  I remember Nosh coming to school with me on our last day.  She was the star and everyone wanted to play with her.  I remember sobbing over boys and she would look at me as if to say “what’s the big deal, it will all work out in the end”.  I remember when my mom died and I was shattered.  All I wanted to do was cry and she came to lie next to me and pushed her wet nose on my cheeks.  She didn’t leave my side once. I remember when she was about to have puppies and I was away for the weekend.  My dad phoned me and told me that she was acting strange and he thinks she was going to have her puppies that weekend.  By Sunday morning he phoned me and said I better come home there seems to be something wrong with her.  I rushed home and when I walked into the room she wagged her tail and literally within minutes her first puppy was born.  I believe she was waiting for me.  The list goes on and on.  I grew up with her. She was 14 years old and was my best friend for those 14 years.

I miss her so much.  The house seems quiet.  I wish I had known so that I could have a at least a few special days with her.  It has also made me miss my mom so much more than ever.  I guess it is the cycle of life.  You start to lose those nearest and dearest to you.  It stinks to be honest.

Wow what a year it has been!!

Recently W and I have been doing lots of talking and planning.  Suddenly we are in a whole new place.  a Place we didn’t think we would be just yet.  It is wonderful!

I won’t be specific but things are good.  Better than good.  Yes the baby situation is still a work in progress.  I am also in a better place regarding that.  Instead of it feeling like a battle it now feels like a process, a journey. One we are taking together.  We are working on securing our future in a way we didn’t think was going to happen any time soon.  I am starting my studies in only a few weeks.  The Teen Mom Support Group KZN is doing great.  A little slower than I had anticipated but it is coming along.  I am hoping that people will keep spreading the word.

On the downside.  It looks like the HS might be back.  It is only under the one arm at the moment and mostly on the spots of skin that was not removed in my surgery last year.  I am not sure if that means the surgery wasn’t what it should’ve been or if it is just coming back.  Either way I am a little bummed.  I had hoped that I was rid of it completely and would be pain-free for the years to come and also that I would never, ever, ever have to be on that awful medication again.  We will see what happens.  On the bright side, it is not as bad as it was before I started treatment and for that I am very thankful.

So if you see me walking around with a big smile on my face you will know its because life is good.  :D

It’s been about 18 months since I started the treatment for HS and about 6 months since I took the last pill.  I had my last surgery at the end of July. So far I have had only one or two very small outbreaks.  This has been a huge change for me.  There are some days when I can’t remember the pain.  It is still quite unreal to me to wake up in the morning and get dressed in whatever I want.  For so many years I had to dress according to where I had lumps and how much pain I was in.  Sometimes I will put something on and immediately expect to feel the effects.  It still surprises me. 

Of course it has not gone without some negatives.  I still have scars.  They are neater and obviously surgical but they are there.  Honestly, it is a price I am willing to pay for what I have now.  One section of the scar is pulling and is very tight but not painful at all.  It might look a little funny but another price I am willing to pay.  Gladly.  I don’t have all the feeling back in the skin.  It is quite a strange feeling. Shaving gets quite interesting and I tend to do it in the mirror now just to make sure. 

On the other hand my body doesn’t feel like my own. My body is acting all wierd and strange and very foreign to me.  After a year of uncomfortable and painful joints and muscles I feel so stiff even now.  I don’t have the aches I had while on medication but my body feels stiff.  After a year of avoiding the sun like the plague I now know don’t like the sun very much at all.  All in all my body is doing wierd stuff and I am not sure how to handle it.  It does not feel like my body.  Before I went on medication I had started doing pilates.  I have not done exercise for a little under 18 months.  Today I went walking for 30 minutes.  Fast.

In other news.  Change is constant.  A couple of months ago my vision for the future was crazy.  Life changing, dreams coming true crazy.  It felt like I was on the verge of something big and bright. In a heartbeat everything changed.  Now I feel like I am on the verge of nothing. The future is so unknown.  I don’t always know how I feel about it.  I think I am coping but most days I don’t want to be coping.  I want to be mad or sad or crazy but I don’t want to be coping.  Ok that is a lie.  I am sad.  Very sad but still coping.  I think about what would’ve been and could’ve been and I get flooded by so many different emotions. 

So besides it feeling like my body has deserted me it also feels like I am losing my mind.  I don’t like the sound of that.  Today I started doing something to make my body feel better.  Hopefully soon it will feel  like mine again.  Slowly but surely I am going to work on my mind too.  I am going to make decisions that are right for me.  Somehow I need to change the view from this verge that I am standing on because make no mistake, I am standing on one. 

**I read this  and thought it was beautiful and so true.**

The Price of Children

This is just too good not to pass on to all. Here is something absolutely positive for a change. I have repeatedly seen the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. It’s nice.

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with R1,681,470.00 for a middle income family. Talk about price shock! That doesn’t even touch college tuition.

But R1,681,470.00 isn’t so bad if you break it down. It translates into:
R93414.93 a year,
R7784.49 a month,
R1796.34 a week.
A mere R254.52 a day!
Just over R10.50 an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is: don’t have children if you want to be ‘rich.’ Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your R1,681,470.00?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For R1,681,470.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
finger-paint,
carve pumpkins,
play hide-and-seek,
catch lightning bugs,
never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to:
keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
watch Saturday morning cartoons,
go to Disney movies, and
wish on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodlewreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother’s Day, and cards with backward letters for Father’s Day.

For a mere R254.52 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
taking the training wheels off a bike,
removing a splinter,
filling a paddling pool,
coaxing a wad of gum out of hairs, and
coaching a rugby team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat in history to witness the:
First step,
First word,
First bra,
First date,
First time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you’re lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great-grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match..

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost.

That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!
Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren & great-grandchildren!!!!!!!
It’s the best investment you’ll ever make!!!!!!!!!